epic fail

soo.....i have to confess one week into this and i'm a total failure.  okay, maybe not totally, but i have caved one, or two or three or four or five too many times. 

i'm not sure why this particular area seems so hard, but i'm learning i must have an addiction in there somewhere.  or insecurity.  or something. 

i think this fast would be easier with my family doing it too.  i think it would be easier if my job didn't require a computer at all.

i'm also eager for this month to end and embrace whatever comes next.

i'm also eager and willing to admit my failure and not lie about it.  do i get a few bonus points for not lying?

i have gotten a lot more work done.  i have spent more time relaxed.  even though i feel the need to check facebook the world still keeps on spinning.  fancy that!? 

pinterest...i miss thee. 

one week down.  3 to go.  here's hoping for a better reliance on God.....

getting off course

so it has been awhile since i've checked in here at 7.  i have eaten 10 foods, worn 9 items, and given away more than i care to count.  but then i kind of got stuck.  the next month was media.  the one i wasn't too excited about giving up.  plus the olympics were just around the corner and my partner in this crazy idea was going on vacation where it is way to easy to unplug so i let it sit.

the other day i was sitting in the bathroom taking paint off my toes.  i get my best thinking done in that little room of our house.  usually, people ignore me in there!  anyways.  i was kind of lamenting a few things.  pair that with our pastor making a suggestion in staff meeting that we make a list of our ideal week as a family and attempt to live it out.  hmm...why do things seem so difficult? 

i'd been pondering the media fast.  God kinda told me that when i get stressed that is where i tend to hide out - in media world.  other people's blogs, pinterest, facebook.  that is really all i look at online.  i'm not a shopper, but i endlessly search blogs and pinterest to escape the reality of stress around me.  God let me know that wasn't His way of coping and prodded me to get started on the dreaded media fast.

you know...2012 has been a year of physical healing and some emotional/spiritual as well.  it has been oh so good!  God has blessed beyond measure, but the past month i haven't noticed it as much.  in fact, some of that physical healing has reversed.  i was letting God know that i was mad about a friend of mine having to walk a difficult road.  i was mad about some stress.  and well, He already knows so i might as well tell Him all about it.

in that telling Him all about it, He gently let me know i had gotten lost in the maze. it reminded me of a labyrinth - you know where you feel like you are going in unending circles.  i'm out there wandering and wandering desperate to get to the inner circle or just out of the maze. 

i started to realize that when i focus so intently on God the maze seems fun.  it draws me in.  i may not know the path but i can't help but explore it.  when i started this crazy 7 journey i thought i would fail the first month.  instead i embraced it and saw God move some major mountains in my life.  i was sick the first week i ate normal again.  i missed those 10 foods with a passion.  i think i missed the simplicity of it all.  the dependence on God that i had developed to satisfy my chocolate craving.  when i wore the same 9 clothes i learned people care more about who i am than what i wear.  it again was simple.  what shirt is still clean and do i want to wear the gray skirt or blue jeans?  again, i loved it and God moved mountains in my life.  giving away items seemed less dramatic.  it just was.  i went through some closets and rooms.  there is still so much to give away.  but i can't say that i saw God move mountains with that one.  then i put off the next month.  because of fear honestly.  wouldn't people miss my status updates?  i mean, seriously you all care about my 36 words or less don't you?

all that to say....God definitely revealed that i had gotten off course.  He used the food month to show me that i was an emotional eater and that didn't benefit my health.  sugar has negative effects on me.  big time.  He used the clothes month to show me that i don't need the stuff i think i do.  that being in style is not the most important.  work on my insides the most.  giving stuff away - i was disappointed in the lack of lesson.  by then i'd eaten a bit more sugar anyways.  haven't had a sweet potato in like 2 months (although i don't use my oven all summer long so that might have something to do with it!).  i also found myself standing for 5 minutes staring into my closet.  which was now empty because i gave it all away wondering why i had given it away because i suddenly had nothing to wear again!

in the midst of this conversation still playing in my head i noticed how quickly satan can steer us off course.  he can whisper those things in our ear that turn us down a dead end path.  when we get to that dead end the most likely thing would be to turn back around, but well, that seems too easy.  so instead i try to move forward over and over and over and end up nowhere.

i'd gotten off track with eating and suffer the consequences of weight gain and the return of crazy dizziness.  i'd gotten off track with getting dressed and find myself starting my day with stress, frustration, and disappointment.  as you can imagine this isn't the course that God intended.  He intends for me to ask for my daily bread.  He intends for me to spend more time dressing spiritually than staring into an open closet.

so i know that discipline is what i need.  and accountability.  so the media fast is on.  i can't give it all up because i do use it a lot to work.  but here is my plan....i will not take the laptop home unless i plan to work at home one day.  the computer will not be turned on after 3pm when i have my kids.  sorry folks.  i will only be on facebook to update blessings in a backpack.  i plan to text only what is necessary.  i will have email, but don't expect response until the next morning if you send it after 5.  hubby and i plan to turn the tv off more evenings.  as far as blogs.....yep, won't be checking those out with the exception of one (i'll give a sweet potato to the first person to guess which blog that is!) i plan to print off pinterest recipe and craft ideas so that i can stay away and maybe find the time to do some of those projects i've pinned!  oh...i'm also back to avoiding sugar as much as possible and eating real foods.  and clothes...trying not to care again!

i might update here once a week.  but today as i'm dealing with intense dizziness for the first time since december i'm feeling God giving me the big shove into this madness!  so here i go....i will see you when God leads me out of this maze!

the giving pile

i love the book the giving tree....it just makes me smile.  i've used it all sorts of times for all sorts of reasons at all type of events.  but now i've started what i like to call "the giving pile."

this month is 28 days of giving away 7 items a day.  i started in my closet:)

7 things a day...

i do not like to do posts without pictures, but well, this has no pictures so just deal with it dear friends:)

i have been a little quite here on my 7 blog.  clothing month wrapped up and i promptly pulled out about 30 items from my closet.  i've yet to go through my dresser.  it felt great to be honest.  ironically, last week i could where whatever i wanted, but i had creator camp at church so i wore the same shirt ALL week long.  i did get a chuckle out of it though.

i've noticed as the food month is further removed that i find myself enjoying some things i had so easily given up.  but i still have this amazing obsession with blackberries!!  seriously, i could eat them like all day long!

so now i'm on to giving away 7 things a day.  so far it's been easy - remember the 30 items pulled from my closet?  but i can't wait to start purging other places in our house.  hopefully this will help me find that motivation i have been needing.....

but here is the real point.....i've been reading my grandma's diaries.  i never really knew her so this is a fun way to dive into her world.  i love reading about her driving to pick up the sweetest 11 month old baby ever.....my dad was adopted and they surprised everyone with his arrival.  but what has struck me was the simplicity of their challenging lives.  they didn't have much.  she writes of cutting up their old linens, clothes, sheets to make new rag rugs for their house.  she writes of canning meat - all parts of meat.  she writes of having people over to play cards and eat popcorn.  seriously, folks.  can you imagine inviting someone over for popcorn these days?  she writes of rations for things like coffee, sugar, shoes, etc...

it makes me crave that.  i commented to my husband how often they had people in their home or were guests in someone elses.  that is what i call true community.  there was helping to cut down wood, plow fields, do laundry, clean house together, etc....

i'm hoping as i rid my home of things, things that seem to hold me down and box me in, i begin to see the joy in not having much.  in thinking about how to use what we do have.  in thinking about being more hospitable.  in realizing that things don't define me.

i've already been struck by thoughts that tell me i have to keep such and such.  really?  when i ask myself why sometimes i really don't like the answer.  so i'm praying that God helps me see the possessions (idols) in my home and gives me the grace to move them out.  i'm praying that as i make more room for God, i feel more blessed than ever before.......

so, if there is something you've been wanting or needing..let me know.  there is a high possibility it will be in my give away pile sometime soon!

 

only 4 more days...

yesterday on facebook i whined.....i was hot, my kids were not really liking each other, and i was soooo tired of my same clothes.  then my amazing friend posted this saying: 

 someone else is happy with less than what you have.

ouch....

so i settled in for the remainder of the afternoon checking my heart.  now, honestly, the clothes adventure has been far easier than what i thought it would be.  God graciously provided decent weather until this last week when we reached mid 90's and without ac in our home that gets a tad bit annoying and frankly i'd prefer to live without clothes at all!   

but, in the midst of not thinking too much about it, i've also learned some great things.  like, i waste a lot of time getting ready in the morning.  well, really in just standing in front of my closet pondering what will look good on me that day.  then i change my mind.  then i leave the house all flustered over what i have on not being just right.  you know what?  not once have i had those thoughts.  i just put my clothes on and go.  there is a freedom in that....and a great sense that God cares more about my heart, than my outward appearance.  does that sound like something in 1 Samuel, something about annointing king david?  hmm...guess in preparing that lesson for summer creator camp i got to learn it too.

i also have realized how much i think i need.  you know, that shirt i might wear one day.  or those shorts that don't really fit, but if i could just lose another inch off my thighs they might.  well, that takes me back to the fact that i didn't lost weight during my food month because again, God cares more about my insides and so must i.

today i worked with my hubby.  this was the 3rd day this month.  i wore the same outfit each time.  he never once commented.  last friday, i wore my skirt to a minor league baseball game with 5/6 graders, yesterday i took my kids bowling in my little gray skirt.  why?  it was way too hot for my jeans.  saturday i went to the grocery store in a dressy shirt because it was the only one clean and my cut off sweat shorts because they were the only clean thing.  did you catch i went out?  in public????  you know what - i felt pretty good!

now....i do miss several of my shirts and can't wait to have a few more shorts or skirts to wear.  but i do know that a lot of my stock is going, going, gone....!!!!

so....what else have i learned.  i really do have a lot and most people that have less are pretty happy with what they have.  i think it is those of us that have a lot (global standards) but feel like we are missing out on the american dream that aren't happy what what we have.  we feel this need for more.  

we feel like we are being cheated out of something and we like to blame someone for that.  usually the government.  BUT, what if i just stopped and enjoyed what God has chosen to give me.  God is bigger than my tax refund check.  God is bigger than the american dream.  God is the bigger than the new couch and carpet i'd love to have.  so why not just enjoy Him? enjoy His blessings.  be mindful of his gifts.  instead of pursuing the american dream, maybe we should start pursuing Him.  since i still haven't found in scripture where christians are entitled to the american dream i'll just keep on letting God poke around in my little world and rock the boat! 

what to wear?

i used to ask myself that question all the time.  in fact, many mornings i would blankly stare at my closet.  sometimes i'd try on several different things.  i tend to dress for my mood, which can vary from sassy country girl to wanting to look elegant to hiking attire to trendy to flirty....my mood can be known to change during this process from flirty to frumpy girl!

 

so when i had to narrow down my closet to 7 items i was a bit overwhelmed.  honestly, even though i had a month to think about it i chose not to.  i did by a skirt in preparation.  shorts have kind of become something i hate to wear because i can't find any that i look good in.  i love this little gray skirt and have plans to make some more for myself.  anyways....

 

i started on monday. so monday morning i just pulled out some items and said here we go.  then i realized that this isn't practical in northern indiana in june.  i selected:  jeans/capri's (i roll them up for capri), gray skirt, pink/grey striped tee, white elbow length cardigan, aqua tee, yellow blouse, white tank for under yellow blouse, purple shirt that i got at a garage sale, and a gray tee.  this shouldn't be too bad.  flip flops and tennis shoes.  i managed to get to 9 items. 

 

then i had to go weed our garden.  nothing on my list was really appropriate so i decided that i should be able to have one work in the yard/exercise outfit.  then the temps dropped to like 50 degrees so i decided to add in a fleece.  

still - not too bad right?  so now, being 7 days into it.  i do find it rather freeing.  i really don't have to give much thought to what i am wearing.  just put on whatever shirt i didn't wear yesterday, or which ever one happens to be clean and off i go.  what you need to understand is that when i volunteered at the school on fridays i was always sure to not where the same thing back to back fridays.  i think i'm starting to see a trend with some weird obsessions of mine.  ironically, as i'm preparing for Creator Camp i'm studying 1 Samuel 16:7 which clearly states that the Lord doesn't look at our outer appearance, but at our heart.  gee....i think God is revealing that my heart isn't as pretty to look at as i once thought.  

why do i get so consumed in what i wear?  why does it matter if i repeat clothes?  i whined about needing a sweatshirt and added one in.  you know what?  there are people who are cold all the time and while they may want to  "whine" about being cold (i use whine as my term - not what they really do) they don't have the luxury of going to their closet and saying, "gee, i didn't know it was supposed to get cold, i think i'll add in a sweatshirt!"  they don't have one to add in.  

 

i had chosen discover as my word of the year.  God is definitely helping me discover the hurt in the world, my pride, my feeling of entitlement, my ease of life, and my discomfort.  but mostly God is helping me discover the sin in my heart and that confession and change is hard, but oh so good.....

food - DONE!

this past week was amazing!  i could choose any food i wanted - and believe me i ate a few too many sweets.  however, the foods i craved most:  spinach, chicken, berries, green smoothies.  i think i've been changed!

as the 30 days of food drew to a close i was a bit worried. from about days 7-30 i felt the best i had felt in years; physically and spiritually.  i didn't want to lose that.  God gently reminded me that He offers freedom, but also says that not everything is permissible.  so, now i need to spend some time pondering that.

what did i learn? 

*well, first of all a lot of the food i ate wasn't real.  this food was real and oh so tasty.  i was definitely ready for a variety of vegetables and have indulged in asparagus, squash, and zucchini since.  ahh....i hope my family is prepared for a real food diet!

*processed food gives me headaches - almost immediately

*i use food indulgences to cover up what i need to deal with

*submission is still hard for me

*i have a change in taste now

*God still speaks to me

what's next?  clothes!

i started yesterday.  i think doing this in february would be much easier.  but i settled on 9 pieces of clothing.  i will also allow myself to wear one or two outside/garden/house with no ac outfits.  like i said, it would have been easier in february!  and honestly, this was harder for me to think about than food!!  good grief....i am not sure i'm ready for what God might choose to reveal to me this month!

final week

so here i am settling in for my final week of 10 foods.  now, i need to confess that i spent 5 days last week in southern california:)  i gave myself a bit of freedom since i'd be eating every meal out!  i wasn't sure what to expect emotionally and physically with this "freedom!"  

the friend i traveled with had brought a couple of homemade muffins - whole wheat, cranberry and walnut.  pretty close to my 10! since we had left at a rather ungodly hour i was appreciative of her thoughtfulness and was also thrilled to see how close to my 10 those little tasty muffins were.  i snacked on almonds on our flight.  we landed and i was starved....heading to a trader joe's i enjoyed a salad with chicken on it -again, a few extras but pretty darn close to my 10.  dinner?  well, seafood was on the agenda.  i enjoyed every bit of my shrimp wrapped in bacon, and then i felt sick and bloated for a few hours.  bummer!

we had free breakfast - fully expecting processed things i was thrilled to see cook to order eggs, whole wheat toast, and hash browns!  can i get an amen??  then i had sweet potato fries and some chicken enchilada soup.  dinner, blackberries and a green naked smoothie.  i was so thrilled how God was honoring my hope to be somewhat faithful by providing choices.  thursday we had lunch with the conference we were at.  guess what it was - GRILLED CHEESE!! not only is that my favorite sandwich ever - it is so close to my 10 i did a happy dance and savored every bit of that delectable sandwich.  

for the remainder of the trip, i wasn't quite so true to my 10, but found little surprises waiting for me.  i love how God used this time to remind me it wasn't about the legalism.  it was about the journey of cutting out my "rights" and "entitlements."  it is so easy to think we deserve so much in our world.  you know those grilled cheese sandwiches?  they came from a food truck called grilled tease.  the lady started it with her young kids because her husband lost his job and then suffered from depression.  she could make grilled cheese.  she noticed a homeless man by her truck one day - he just happened to be an unemployed chef.  he is now her chef and on wednesday's they serve free sandwiches and give out a children's book on God's Big Story.  that story alone reminded me of the gifts of grace in our life.  a simple (well, they were rather gourmet) grilled cheese sandwich can change someones life!  i think it was simple reminder that God gives us food to sustain us, not everyone has enough to sustain them and well, i see food so abundantly that i no longer think about it's sustenance, only it's pleasure.

i pray that as i wind this week down i continue to seek God and honor Him in this.  He has blessed beyond measure.  and you know what, if you ask my friend, she will tell you my favorite meal was on our last night at a cool place called wahoo fish tacos.  i ordered brown rice with plain grilled chicken and savored each and every bite!!!!!!!

17 days in

amazing!  i'm 17 days into eating 10 items.  it has been crazy, hard, frustrating, amazing, simple, freeing, revealing...all of those things.  and i'm not yet done!

i intend to be real.  it has also been 13 days since i've blogged so it is high time to bring you into my little world of 10.  day 5 hit hard.  i mean tears hard.  my body hurt something crazy.  i mean muscles, joints, stomach.  everything.  i texted a dear friend and told her i was done.  she said i wasn't and to push through the detox my body was likely going through.  so i did.  and boy am i glad i pushed through those 3 days!  i think i knew God was telling me to push through when we had our life together group day 5.  we eat dinner together.  none of them knew of my crazy plan yet.  i had fixed pork roast because i had a large one to get rid of and they bring the sides.  i had leftover plain rice and grilled chicken in the fridge for me with some freshly shredded cheese (as a side note - why have i ever bought preshredded cheese!!?!?!!??).  anyways....fully prepared to be jealous over dinner our amazing cultural cook showed up with fried rice like he had said (has ingredients not on my 10!)  AND cheesy rice!!!  like a gift from God was that dish!!!

okay - so moving on, the next week wasn't too bad.  i still craved chocolate every day about 2 and 8 pm, but for the most part was loving my rice, potatoes, spinach, berries....i decided to try a green smoothie.  they are all the craze right now aren't they?  using my 10 i threw in spinach, almond milk, and berries.  bleh....had to choke it down.  texted college roomie...she sent me back her recipe.  tried it - bleh....then she sent me a text and said add peanut butter....gross, but why not,it IS on my 10!!  OH MY WORD!!!!!!!  i can't get enough of them!!!  yummers:)  thank you sweet Jesus!

dear hubby made me an egg with cheese on a whole wheat bagel thin.  OH MY WORD!  again, thank you Jesus!

while i've chatted on and on about the food, which has become rather tasty i might say, let me draw in to my heart.  

day 7 was a sunday.  we were singing in church.  nothing new....then the worship leader read psalm 139:13-16 about being fearfully and wonderfully made.  being knit together by God.  being known and created by God before anyone else knew.  then we sang about our wondeful maker.  God broke me right there....all of a sudden i was picturing a hungry child.  so often we see it as questioning why God would create them and make them hungry.  or we say we need to get birth control to these people.  but all of a sudden it struck me that a irresponsible man and woman didn't create that hungry child -God did.  God knows that child.  God knows that child's need!  AND God knows there are His people here on earth that can be His hands and feet to that child.  tears...many tears.  then i was thinking about girls in sex trade.  the exact same thoughts.....then the widows.....again, same perspective.  it was so cool to see God move my heart.  honestly, i think it was because i have been stripped away of some of my "freedoms."

then a few days later i was out taking a walk.  i had shared with a couple of friends prior to this whole adventure a specific area i was praying for and asked them to pray for me.  when i asked them to pray it was for God to change someone else.  why do we go there???  anyways, on that walk, which i took to avoid eating a big piece of chocolate, God completely opened my eyes to MY sin in that relationship.  i tried to argue back, but it didn't work.  i mean it was huge and humbling and awful and amazing.  i confessed to God.  i knew the prayers to change the person were out of line.  it was me that needed to change.  so after confessing to a friend, i went humbly to that relationship and asked forgiveness.  i was scared, very scared.  but it was amazing to talk it through and i feel like my eyes have been opened.  soooo cool!  

i can say, i have cheated a few times, kind of.  one day i tasted the homemade salsa i was making the family to make sure i didn't need to add anything else.  one taste and it was perfect, darn it.  no second taste.  one day i ate a raisin by mistake.  i savored it though:)  i had a rasberry chai made with almond milk because it had berries, tea, and almond milk.  may have been a bit loose for 10. 

i can't believe i am nearly done with this month.  it seemed to drag by at first...now i'm not sure i want it to end!!  okay, yes, i do a little.

i'm thankful for the many things God is teaching me.  i'm thankful for an amazing husband that keeps me going and lets me babble about it all.  i'm hoping the kids decide to stop telling me there is nothing in our home to eat and that they see how blessed they are.  i'm hoping God keeps teaching me.

day 4

my thoughts today:

...i could really use some chocolate or zucchini or chocolate zucchini cake

...i've lost all ability to be creative probably because my food is so boring

...i'm hungry and didn't pack enough roasted sweet potatoes

...water, water, water

...26 more days feels like an eternity

...why didn't i just say i'd do each area for a week?

...how soon to california where i have given myself permission, i mean grace, to cheat?

....i have a feeling i'm supposed to feel this way

...did you know some people don't know how to use an oven or a toilet?  they are trying to get to america for a better life and their idea of a better life is what we americans see as disgraceful??

...i think i am either breaking or having a mental breakdown

...back to work i go

hunger

oh sweet potato - how i have come to love thee:)

i apologize for my random thoughts here, but well, i like random!

so day 1 came and went.  it wasn't too bad other than my intense headache from likely sugar withdrawal, the intense desire to fight the headache with the dark chocolate in my freezer, and the questions i threw at myself.

but day 2 dawned with a fresh perspective.  i had survived!  day 2 was easier food wise.  i've eaten potatoes (i can never decide if  potatoes should have an "e" or not!) and lots of spinach and berries.  i'm learning just how much i like to doctor my foods.  i also learned that i miss vegetables which if you have known me for long, you know that vegetables were never on my plate for the first 23 years of my life!

last night we had curry chicken with rice.  mine was a bit bland (the 3 spice ingredients), but still rather tasty.  along with spinach salad and apples.  i decided to make ahead roasted potatoes with chicken for today.  i ate most of it last night when it came out of the oven.  who knew sweet potatoes could be so amazing!

i'm hungry.  truly hungry at meals.

but God is beginning to break my heart.  i can honestly say that i've viewed His world a bit different in only 2 1/2 days.  i even feel a bit more relaxed.  i had a sweet time at home tomorrow morning and felt like i was hearing God better than before.  it was sweet enough to fill me.

i made cookies yesterday - i didn't have one lick or one warm cookie and you know what?  i didn't even dwell on it!

we really do have a lot.  

energy balls and broccoli - i can't wait to be reunited with you!!!!!!

in the beginning...

for the past 6 months (or 3 years if i'm honest!) i have felt a weird sort of nudge from God. one that leaves me with more questions than answers and frankly a bit scared. three months ago i heard about this lady named jen hatmaker and her book 7. something about it settled deep into my heart. i would chat with God about it from time to time. a few weeks ago a dear friend brought it up to me. she lives half-way across the country and i miss her deeply. she asked me to do it with her then sent me the book. how can i resist that - especially since i had not talked with her about the book?

most people think i'm crazy and that is okay. she doesn't, well atleast not most of the time! but today we begin this journey. for the next 30 days i will be eating only certain foods. i'm not going as crazy as jen does with 7, but after two weeks of thinking about it and praying through it here is where i landed: 10

spinach
berries
oatmeal
apples
potatoes
nuts (mostly almonds)
chicken
rice
whole grain bread
eggs

as far as spices: i've allowed myself up to 3 spices (no ketchup, mustard, bbq, etc) and i can have one salad dressing for the whole month.


so why? well, honestly the subtitle of the book is "a mutiny against excess" and frankly i need to experience a bit of that myself. you see, when we got married we set out to live a simple life. i think i've gotten a little bit away from that. i once had about 10-12 meals and i rotated between them. now, i set out to make a monthly meal plan and make sure to not repeat a meal. do you know the stress i create for myself, not to mention the time i spend on creating it when i could be playing a game with my kiddos? or the grocery budget that is probably higher than what it should be so that i can treat my family to this amazing month of creative and unique meals?

i'm also hoping that i am able to view things a bit differently. maybe a wee bit more like God might. i'm not very good at completing these kind of tasks and i have 7 months of this ahead of me. i'm hoping to experience freedom in Christ and freedom from the "american dream" that grabs hold of us and doesn't let go.

here i intend to pop in and journal...feel free to join me if you'd like:)